and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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