I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
