is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
