you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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