im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
