He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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