i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
