smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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