If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
