how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
