you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize