My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
