does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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