i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm really busy with my period
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