Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
