He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
