I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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