Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we're making bets on your personal life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
