Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
