my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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