I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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