Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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