Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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