just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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