either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
