Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
