every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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