Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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