Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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