Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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