So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
