Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I still have a little drunk in my system
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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