he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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