Don't make out with my wife yet
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
