I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
