I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
