why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Damn victory sex feels great
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
