I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
