Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
