Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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