dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize