Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
