I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
MIDGETS
????
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
