I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
