i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
