its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
sarcasm needs its own font
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize