We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
