Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
