i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
