1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
