You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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