Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
