so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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