On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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