meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
