if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
