I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
