I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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