we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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