if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
