Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
