I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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